September 15, 2015
No one knows what I am going through. It is not easy to not have someone to talk to. There is times where I wonder what it feels to have someone to talk to. It is never easy to eat your feelings or pretend that everything is fine. That my life couldn't be better. The truth is that I am just so EMPTY and HURT that I could cry for days. Sometimes I wonder if I can withstand this pain. I am so hurt and alone. I wish I had someone I could talk to. My life has not been easy, but whose life is? I know that I am not the only one suffering. I am one of many in the world. I try to remind myself that there is others out there hurting more than me. I admire them for been so strong. I can't help but think of having a different life, a different family. The reason I started this blog is so that I could have someone to talk to. Even if its just me. I want to be able to express my feelings without having to hold back. There is so much going on in my life that I could write for days. Today I want to focus on my family. Why my family? I think mainly because I feel out of place with them. I love my family, but I don't think I have ever felt accepted. I have always had to compete with my sister. She is the joy and happiness of my mom. On the other hand, I am the sadness, anger, and pain for my mom. I am not implying that I am perfect or that I am some kind of angel. No I have made my mistakes in life and continue to do so. However, I am always reminded on how perfect my sister is. On how I am so stupid, dumb, and how I can never compare to my sister. My sister is the smart one in my mothers eyes. I am also not saying that she is not. My sister is one of the smartest people I know. She is a hard working individual. Of course just like anyone else, she has also made mistakes in her life. The type of mistakes that no one want to hear about. If I had done the same mistakes I would have been in so much trouble. It sadness me when my mother always reminds me of my mistakes, and makes my sister the saint. I know that I have made so many mistakes in my life, most of which I am not proud of. Every time an argument sparks between my mom, sister, and I, they are quickly to remind me of my mistakes. But when I try to do the same, the feel offended. They always tell me, " how dare you say that? You should be a shame of yourself. You are the disgrace of the family." I have learn to accept that I am the disgrace of the family. That I am the shadow that darkens the family. It is something that ways heavy on me. That is why I am starting this blog, to hopefully be able to express my feelings or at least vent what I am going through.
